This morning, my husband reminded me that our high school reunions should be coming up sometime this year. He asked me if I had checked on mine, and I said no. He said he hadn’t checked on his either.
It reminded me of my ten year class reunion - the only one I ever went to. It was two weeks after we had gotten married. I was a drama geek in high school, so I had been planning on going to my class reunion and showing off my hot new husband to the mean popular girls. Yeah, it’s like we never left.
In high school, I was always sitting behind Andy (thank you alphabetical order). Andy was my raging, teenage hormone crush. He was amazing…handsome, funny, nice, social…everything I wasn’t. But I loved Andy. We hung around the same group of friends, but he didn't notice me, and but he had no idea what I was thinking about him. In hindsight, that was probably a good thing.
When we graduated from high school, Andy continued to haunt me. We went to the same junior college, then the same four year college. Every time I saw him, he walked right past me, as if I were invisible. Well, who needed Andy anyway? Right…right?
Flash forward to two weeks before my 10 year class reunion. I walked down the aisle with my amazing husband, and my dad gifted us a honeymoon in Mexico. We had a blast! The ocean water was as warm as a soothing bath. Unfortunately, that’s also the perfect temperature for cooties. I wound up getting a bladder infection and had to chance Mexican pharmaceuticals. The woman didn’t speak any English, and my high school Spanish teachers had never covered bladder infection vocabulary. With some weird gesturing on my part, she finally took me over to some boxes that started with “gyno.” I realized she thought I had a yeast infection. I finally got through to her with “hot pee.” The medicine worked wonders, by the way. But that’s not the real story.
The cooties got in my husband’s ears leaving him with a raging ear infection. Despite my insistence, he refused all medicines and doctor visits, relying on his testosterone to cure him as usual. That didn’t work so well. So by the time we were set to go to my class reunion, he had been battling the ear infection for almost two weeks. He was one sick puppy. I asked him if he wanted to stay home and rest, but he refused. He said he wanted to go with me.
The ugly truth was, I wanted him to stay home. Normally, he’s really hot, and I'm glad to have him as my arm candy. However, the ear infection had left him acting really strange. He couldn’t hear, so he kept yelling “What?! What?! I can’t hear you!!” Then he would pinch his nose and blow, trying to pop his ears which kept plugging up. He also kept turning his head sideways like a dog and shaking it while slapping the other side of his head as if he could knock the cooties out. He was quite a sight.
We got to the reunion, and I met up with some old friends. I introduced them to my husband. “What?! I can’t hear you?” Pinch nose, blow, sideways head shake, slap slap. I smiled painfully, wondering if I should have introduced him as my “special” cousin Eddie. It wasn’t like he could hear me, but then I figured the rings would give us away. My friends and I tried to catch up while my husband continued his “What?! I can’t hear you?” Pinch nose, blow, sideways head shake, slap slap routine.
Then…I saw him…across the room…Andy. He hadn't changed a bit. He was headed over to the drink table. I made some excuse about needing to get us drinks. “What?! I can’t hear you?” Pinch nose, blow, sideways head shake, slap slap. I made a cup sign with my hand and mimed drinking. He nodded and asked me to get him a diet Pepsi.
I headed to the drink table studiously ignoring Andy. Then I heard “Michelle! Oh, it’s so good to see you!” Andy was staring right at me! “Oh, Andy, hey.” Pretending like I just noticed him (Oscar worthy performance). He grabbed me up in a big hug. “It’s so good to see you. Wow, I remember how funny you were in high school. Seeing you brings back great memories.” Andy said that to me. Seriously. You could have knocked me down with a mini marshmallow. He actually noticed me in high school? He thought I was funny? I brought back great memories?
Not to be won over, I told him that I had seen him at our junior and four year colleges. He said “I wish you would have stopped me. It would have been so fun to hang out with you. I was working on my Ph.D in Marine Biology, and I was so focused, I just didn’t seem to see anything around me.” My sick mind immediately started to imagine Andy in a wet suit.
Thankfully, I saved my face palm for another time. There it was. I missed out. Andy had wanted to hang out with me and hadn’t been ignoring me at all. Well that sucked. Before I could respond, he said “Hey, you’re wearing a ring? Is your husband here?” My eyes bugged out and a chanced a quick glance at our table. Pinch nose, blow, sideways head shake, slap slap. “Ummm…he couldn’t make it. Too bad, I would have liked to introduce you. Well, Andy it was nice seeing you.” I said quickly with my best fake smile. Andy hugged me again and said “I’m really glad I had a chance to see you, Michelle.” Rub it why don't you?
I walked back to my table, kicking myself in the ass as I went. I set hubby’s diet Pepsi down. “Thanks. Who was that?” he asked. “Andy, my high school crush.” “What?! I can’t hear you?” Pinch nose, blow, sideways head shake, slap slap. Dramatic sigh from me.
When hubby recovered (after tons of antibiotics), and I told him that story, he laughed hysterically. Said he couldn’t have planned it better himself. He’s lucky he’s cute.